Back and forth and round and round, the words go through my head. So many highs and lows. No matter how much I write, I cannot calm my mind. The more I think, the more questions I need to find answers for. But how do you learn those answers when you don’t even know who you are? In much the way you don’t know what you are looking for until you find it, so goes the search for myself. I am shedding the facade I have shown the world, and myself. And in the process, I have already learned so many things about myself. Or, I’m acknowledging what part of me always knew. I pretend to be all quiet and shy, while secretly always knowing there was a dirty little nympho somewhere in there, begging to be let out. Well, I’m letting her out. Along with the one who isn’t afraid to take risks. And the one who refuses to settle for less than she deserves and wants. The one who dares anyone to judge her. Especially when they don’t know her or care to know her.
I am breaking free of everything I have ever been, and stepping miles outside my comfort zone. And it feels good. I don’t want to turn back. I want to sprint forward into the great unknown, with my face lifted to the sky, and the wind in my hair. I don’t know what will happen by I am ok with that. Because I will be ok.
You whisper sweet nothings in my ear in the dark, and I am hypnotized by the sound of your voice, like the caress of a long lost love. You sing to me without the music, and you speak to my soul with your words. You are the reason that I dance in the dark. I want to be the reason you believe in love again. I want to bring light into your life, and chase away the shadows. I want to love your hurt away. I want to be near your skin, to feel the electricity…..Time to redirect, lol. I cannot wait to give to you what I have never given to anyone. And I am not afraid. That makes it sound like I am talking about virginity, lol. I suppose that it is though, just not in a physical sense. I want you to collect all of my random bits, and embed them into your heart. Memorize me, the way that I will memorize you, and it will be the most intense love we have ever known. Are you ready for the chase? I’ll run slow, and in circles, promise 😉
Reading back through this blog, I am amazed. I can feel the anger and bitterness coming from those posts, still. And it makes me sad. I have been miserable for so many years! I read these posts, as though watching a blind person try to cross the street. Why did I willfully block my unhappiness? Why have I continued to allow myself to live a lie? I have been so lost inside my head that it’s fooled even me. Now that I am facing divorce, my head is crystal clear. I have never known anyone who knows my head like I do. Someone who, I don’t have to elaborate on a thought, because they get it. And I have been thinking recently, as life is being breathed back into me, have all of my relationships plutonic or otherwise, sucked because they cannot match me, or even up the ante? I’ve always recognized that my body doesn’t respond, but it’s never occurred to me that I haven’t found mental stimulation either. Ah! Another eureka moment slams into my head! I GET it now. Omg, that makes me so happy. But it also seems so completely duh. How did I not make that connection before?! A physical response requires a mental element. The mental element is the spark. The spark is passion. If one is missing, well, you end up where I am. The thing is, it could be that the other person loses it. And once they lose it, yours begins to fade. My mind is so rolling here….Follow this thought with me. What if two parties’ passion/spark matches the other? One cannot lose it for the other. Why? Because energy builds. Can you imagine what it would be like to love someone who projects just as much passion and energy as you? Will it just continue to intensify? It would never be intellectually boring,no matter how old the relationship is. Which means that you could love that person with complete abandon for the rest of your life. That kind of passion would be incredible. Where could I find that kind of love? Oh, wait…..
ETA: It almost makes me believe in the concept of a soul mate, in it’s true sense. Not the way that people have cheapened it. Think about it..It’s easy to find someone who shares your interests, hobbies, goals, etc…How easy is it to find someone you connect with on a much deeper level? Who makes you want to lose yourself in them and never come up for air….
I’m going to let my tin-foil hat show for a minute. I always sort of thought I was hardcore in the world of conspiracy theorists, but I’ve come to realize that there are people on the internet that put me to shame. So, I’m going to make a list of the theories that I am so far aware of, and then break them down. Some theories I subscribe to, while I find others as ridiculous as they sound.
1. Moon Landing/ Nasa
2. Flat Earth
3. Agenda 21
4. Jade Helm
6. Super Spies
9. Secret Yellowstone Eruption Program
10. Some rock hurtling towards earth
Moon Landing/ Nasa
I dare you to find a totally untouched, unphotoshopped, unedited picture of earth from space. Go on….I’ll wait. All you will find are CGI pictures. Go to Youtube and watch videos of the moon landing hoax, with an open mind. You’ll see lots of tin foil, lots of video of the flag waving on the no gravity moon, shadows going the wrong way, wires, not a single star in the background……You’ll hear and see how there is no way they would have survived the temperatures, or the radiation. Ask yourself why nobody else has gone back to the moon? Ask yourself why they haven’t made a movie based on real events? Because if they made a movie about the moon landing, the set would be identical, and it would make the sheep start to question reality. The first guy to run Nasa used to work in Hollywood. Look it up. Russia was doing all this space stuff, and the US was freaking out because the other guys were “first”, so the US decided to fake it, and hope nobody called their bluff. But think about it….If the US was able to pull off that kind of stunt, you have to wonder what else they’ve done.
This rides along with the moon hoax. Applying logic, and reason, and some math, it is obvious. Again, go to Youtube and watch videos. And the reality is, if nobody has really been to space physically, nobody can possibly say the earth is round. Just because the moon or the sun is round, doesn’t mean the earth is. Admittedly, I still have not thoroughly researched this subject, so I’m still working out why they would hide it if it were true. In the end though, I suppose this really doesn’t matter, because the average citizen will never build a rocket to go find out, and if the ice shelf really is heavily guarded under some guise, no one will ever have the opportunity to explore it. This is one conspiracy that I don’t think will ever be proven either way.
This one is scary. Mostly marketed as “going green to save the planet”. Maybe it really is just a plan to have everybody hold hands and sing “We Are The World”, but when you read the actual documents with your own eyes and reading comprehension, it’s some sinister, scary crap. Look it up. It’s population control, loss of property rights, loss of autonomy, loss of everything we know. But they will be slick about it. “We have some awesome city high rises we just built. They are upscale, there is a grocery store on the high speed rail line, everything you could ever need is right here”. So you’ll have no need for a car, or to go anywhere in the vast areas they’ll have made off limits. People are saying that these places are too expensive for the average Joe….So, what they are doing is marketing to the richer people and upper middle class. They get all these people to voluntarily move here, maybe by offering a nice sum of cash for their homes, and then they can pick off the rest of the people that try to “opt out” or can’t afford it. Not necessarily killing anyone, but moving the ones they have a use for to camps. Did you know there is an executive order that says they can take everything you own, whether in a national disaster or otherwise? They can also make you work for free. Don’t believe me?
Sec. 501. National Defense Executive Reserve. (a) In accordance with section 710(e) of the Act, 50 U.S.C. App. 2160(e), there is established in the executive branch a National Defense Executive Reserve (NDER) composed of persons of recognized expertise from various segments of the private sector and from Government (except full time Federal employees) for training for employment in executive positions in the Federal Government in the event of a national defense emergency.
(b) The Secretary of Homeland Security shall issue necessary guidance for the NDER program, including appropriate guidance for establishment, recruitment, training, monitoring, and activation of NDER units and shall be responsible for the overall coordination of the NDER program. The authority of the President under section 710(e) of the Act, 50 U.S.C. App. 2160(e), to determine periods of national defense emergency is delegated to the Secretary of Homeland Security.
Sec. 502. Consultants. The head of each agency otherwise delegated functions under this order is delegated the authority of the President under sections 710(b) and (c) of the Act, 50 U.S.C. App. 2160(b), (c), to employ persons of outstanding experience and ability without compensation and to employ experts, consultants, or organizations. The authority delegated by this section may not be redelegated.
(c) be prepared, in the event of a potential threat to the security of the United States, to take actions necessary to ensure the availability of adequate resources and production capability, including services and critical technology, for national defense requirements;
) The Secretary of each agency delegated authority under subsection (a) of this section (resource departments) shall plan for and issue regulations to prioritize and allocate resources and establish standards and procedures by which the authority shall be used to promote the national defense, under both emergency and non-emergency conditions.
At the bottom of the document, they list exactly what resources they deem “available”. It is so messed up.
This is one conspiracy that gets pretty colorful. They’re planning Martial law. They’re prepping for an invasion. They’re going to put themselves in a position to claim they were fired on by some “over-zealous patriot”, to start a civil war. They know of some national emergency that they are hiding (yellowstone, new madrid faultline, etc.). Come on people, you have to pick your conspiracy. Unless the big ass rock is coming (it’s not), and they need to be able to control the masses, it’s not Martial law. There could be an invasion, I suppose. It would explain why they need to practice in an area that apparently doesn’t exist overseas. The only reason they should need to be training in the “open” US (as opposed to the FAKE TOWNS they’ve purposely created for training), is if they are planning a fight on our soil. Maybe they know of the big earthquake, or the volcano going BOOM!, but somehow I doubt that. I don’t know though, they’re pretty strategically mostly south and west of the probable ash cloud. There are too many variables here to form an opinion just yet. Some people argue that Martial law is impossible because there are 318 million US citizens to cover. Let me help with that. Right off the top, you have to subtract people that don’t own guns, people in hospitals, nursing homes, adult group homes, people with disabilities, children, (most) pregnant women….That knocks off a bunch of people. Add a boatload of foreign soldiers that hate us, and there you go. And for the people that argue that our soldiers would fire on us….Screw you. I’m sure there are probably a handful of brainwashed Rambo types, but the vast majority of soldiers in this country would stand beside their families if ever asked to fire on them.
They are supposedly in the thermosphere. Where temperatures can get as high as 3,600 degrees F. Steel melts at 2,750 F. Gold melts at 1,948 F. But…..There isn’t enough atmosphere to feel the heat? Come the f*ck on! If that’s true, then a) why not just freaking say it’s 12 degrees up there, and b) tell me how exactly they measure that? I need to research this some more.
318 million people in the US, and you are going to tell me they are tracking every single one of us? They don’t have the resources for that. And it’s too sci-fi even for me.
Illuminati and Freemasons
I know very little about these groups, so I will have to research this some more. But the little I do know of, it sounds like supposedly these groups have kept certain information secret for hundreds of years and nobody knows what. Sounds awesome.
Secret Yellowstone Eruption Program
This one makes no sense to me. In my research, it seems as though a major eruption would screw us all, except for maybe the mega elite that have built underground bunkers with air filtration and many years worth of supplies. If they had that, and plans a), b), and c) to account for every little scenario, I could see them doing this for population control or something, but I just don’t see how this would work in their favor.
Some rock headed towards earth
This one is the funniest one so far. Maybe I’m wrong, but in my head, I imagine that there are thousands (or more) of amateur astronomers around the world that do nothing but stare through a telescope all night. Somebody would see it coming. There is no way TPTB could keep it a secret. Then again, unless there are hundreds of reports of it, one or two people are going to just be labeled as whackjobs. But no, if TPTB could manage to keep it a secret, they would tell nobody until we could see it with our own eyes.
I don’t know what is going on in the world anymore, but I do know that it is rapidly changing, and I cannot imagine that it’s for the better. I can only hope I’m old and gray by the time SHTF.
I find myself in a strange place. I can’t place a name to the feeling. I’ve been a Christian all of my life. As as child, I went to church with my Grandma, I went to Sunday School, Bible camp……But that was the only exposure I had to God. I didn’t grow up in a house where the Bible was read daily, or where people prayed openly. As a young adult, I went to church sporadically, but never seemed to be able to root in a church. The people were nice, I guess I just didn’t like church. Fast forward a few years, and I was almost converted to crap. At that point, I believed God was telling me I didn’t know my Bible well enough. So I began a spiritual quest to grow my faith and become closer to God. It has been slow progress. But I was gaining. Or so I thought.
I knew of some things in the case against the bible, but I always ignored them, wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge them, and held them underwater. This was no place for logic. At the beginning of this year, I renewed my commitment to really know my bible. Not because I wanted to be the “You’re going to hell, and I’m not!” type…..I genuinely wanted to be those church people that were nice, and holy. If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would be writing this post, I would have laughed in your face,
And I find myself at a totally unexpected place. I no longer smirk at those atheists that believe in nothing. I see the bible in a way that I’m guessing those horrible atheists (sarcasm) see it. I feel like I’m waking up from a trance. Nothing is real anymore. I was doing some research into something unrelated, and found a link that was related, that forced me to acknowledge the logic. And the blinders fell away. And I don’t know where to go from here. I believe in intelligent design, I believe we were created, but not subscribing to any particular religions sorta leaves my options open. That feeling I couldn’t name? Freedom. What do I do now?
How did I not know that was a thing? Me, the researcher of everything there is to know. My entire life is clear now. I’m not anti social. I’m not depressed. I’m not a miserable bitch. I’m not lazy. I’m definitely not crazy. And I don’t need some magic pill to make me normal.
I have been on this mission to totally change myself into what people want me to be. Do you know how awesome it feels to know that I don’t have to? That I can stop defending myself?
I don’t hate people. I just have to observe you in your natural habitat before I can decide if I can get along with you. I hate small talk. We probably can’t be friends if you want to talk for 3 hours about your cats individual fur colors, or your friends mothers cat, for that matter.
I don’t get all giddy about little things. Yes, the onesie you bought my kid is cute, but I’m not going to talk about it for 3 hours just because it says rock star on it.
I don’t care that it’s -50 in Alaska. I don’t live there. I don’t talk much in general. I am perfectly content to just coexist in the same room. The constant chatter in my head is hard enough without having to also pay attention to what you are saying, while listening to a kid ask for something I’ve already said no to 12 times.
No, I don’t enjoy talking while eating. Or when you turn an interesting movie on and then want to continue talking to me.
Yes, I know I’ve read this book a thousand times. Maybe you should.
Sigh. I have a tendency to tune out small talk. But sometimes, with persistent people, it’s not so easy. And since I have to keep the peace, I don’t have to step outside my comfort zone and be direct. Instead, I have to grin and bear it while screaming STFU in my head.
I’m so thankful that my husband is also an introvert. He gets me in a way that no one else can. I’ve decided to embrace my introversion. I can be happy with that. And I do believe that is my epiphany. They say happiness begins with yourself. When you accept yourself for who you are. Though there is room for improvement, I am no longer going to try to change my personality. I am going to own it.
Hello? Fit chick? I know you’re in there. …Marco!
I’ve always been skinny-fat. You know. …Look good in clothes, but not so much naked. I’m 5’2, and weigh 113. “Aww, but that’s tiny”, you say…Yeah, well you’ve never seen me in a bathing suit. I have fairly muscular biceps (thanks, kids), and legs, but my belly, hips, and butt hoard fat.
A few weeks ago, I decided on a journey to totally change my personality. Except my sense of humor and morals. Then, I decided I was tired of whining about my body. I don’t overeat, I’m just not active. Or wasn’t, anyway. And so I figured I may as well go all the way, and feel comfortable naked too.
Because of my history of doing no formal exercise and then going balls to the wall with knocking out 100 crunches at once, and not being able to move for a week, and saying, “screw this” ..I made a commitment to start slow and workout 90 days before I could quit. My theory is that by 90 days, quitting won’t even cross my mind. I’m on day 14, and suspect I’m addicted. I’ve never made it 3 days. I’ve worked out 12 of the last 14 days, and I’m already seeing very subtle changes. And I’ve lost 2 inches on my waist, and 1 off my hips.
The most interesting part, was when I realized my goals had changed. That’s when I knew there was no going back. After repeatedly being told I don’t need to lose weight, and repeatedly responding that I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m trying to get strong. ..It clicked. I went from wanting to look good naked, to wanting to be strong. I want to be fit. Of course I still want to rock the Titans bikini my husband is buying me for Christmas, but I want to do crossfit. I want to be able to hold scorpion pose. There is a fit chick inside me, and I want to see her. I’m challenging myself. And I don’t back down from a challenge.
I never thought that I could ever run out of things to say. Writing used to be how I expressed myself, life. I loved writing. I loved the ability to make the reader feel like they were there with me. But somewhere along the way, I lost it. I had a certain style of writing, and I don’t know what happened to it.
I recently found and followed a blogger I think I am going to like very much. He doesn’t know it, but he’s fed my love and obsession with outside. I used to strap my son on my back and spend every waking minute in the woods. When my second daughter was born, I made it work with a double stroller. We spend the majority of our day hiking trails. Then, over the years our visits were less and less, and eventually, circumstances made it impossible to go hiking. I’ve never really sat down and thought about how long it’s been since I walked through the woods. The only sound you hear is the wind in the leaves…The birds calling each other….To me, that is the definition of peace. It’s been at least 5 years since I spent any significant time outside. How sad is that?
This guy’s got pictures of the snow I crave so much. I want snow you have to dig yourself out of. Unless you choose to sit in your house by the fire and just let it snow. Pictures of trails, and creeks, and zip lines, and ohhh, to just be there…..Sometimes I wish it was 1865. You know, I’m 28 years old and I still don’t know what an I phone or I pad is. If technology (in terms of “entertainment”) went totally out right now, for the foreseeable future, I would be completely ok with that. Give me a tent out in the woods, and I’d stay there as long as I could. I’m an outdoor girl at heart, born in the wrong century.
This has been weighing on me for a long time now, and I just need to get it out. From here on out, I will refer to my sister as “Alice”. Alice and I spent a whole 16th of our lives growing up together. She was in foster homes, and even though I had a childhood Stephen King could have taken story idea’s from, I still had a silver spoon compared to her. Nobody can top her, her life was worse, no matter what. She is a hypochondriac who thinks that if something is wrong with her, my whole family, including me, must have it. At the moment, my family has to live with her, but it won’t be much longer. I’m not ungrateful that she is the only one that has helped us, but this is so not worth it, and there will come a time when her and I never speak to each other again.
My dad did not raise her. Think about it. Say you got with someone who had a child. Then you have a child together. After only a few years, you take the child you had together, and you very rarely, if ever, see the other child again. After 25 years of almost no contact with your ex’s child, would you still consider that child yours? Then she wonders why my father’s family has never wanted anything to do with her. They didn’t raise her. They didn’t know her. She lives in the past. I used to, but the difference is that I allowed it to let go. I’ve learned not to dwell on things I can’t change. She hasn’t. That’s all well and good, to each their own……Except for the fact that she doesn’t shut the hell up. About anything. I swear that every single day I have to hear about shit that happened 20 years ago that I have absolutely no control of, nor ownership in. When I was 15, I ran away. I went to her house temporarily. Apparently I supposedly slept with some guy that she wanted. I remember the guy she is talking about, but I didn’t sleep with him. But that was almost 15 years ago, and she talks about it like it happened yesterday.
I can’t even eat in peace. She talks and talks and talks and talks…..And it’s not like I can let it go in one ear and out the other. She basically quizzes me. Makes sure I am listening. And if she thinks I am not, she will literally go pout for hours like a 5-year-old. She went somewhere one weekend, came back with like 6 bags of kids clothes. I’m sorry, but I have never been the “ooh” and “aah” type over clothes. Clothes are clothes. As long as they fit, I don’t care if you bought them from the mall or Salvation Army. Well, she sat down with them, I was only half paying attention, but she expected me to look and give an opinion of each and every article of clothing she had bought. I told her what I just said, and she flipped out. She went in her room for like 2 hours, and then she came into the living room and provoked an all out screaming fight with me. Over CLOTHES!
Or, she wanted me to go to WIC. Well, it’s my opinion that my family doesn’t need it, and I don’t believe in asking for help simply because help is available if I NEED it. Her, she will get on every kind of government program there is, just because it’s there. Anyway, there isn’t enough gas in my car to get to that appt, so I reschedule it. She got pissed. I never realized it before, but I appreciate a person that will talk shit about me to my face just as well as behind my back. Not my sister. She will talk shit about me behind my back, and she will be very obviously agitated, but she will tell me nothing is wrong. That makes me so mad it’s not funny. If you don’t have the half decency to tell me what you are accusing me of, I don’t need you in my life.
She is of the opinion that family is family, that you are obligated to claim them just because they are blood, no matter what. Well I’m sorry, but I don’t agree. My dad’s family talks to me about as much as they do her. None. So….I don’t talk to them. I send a message, they don’t answer, oh well. The road goes both ways. I refuse to waste my time on drama I don’t need. Her, she loses sleep over it. She just cannot understand why they want nothing to do with her. I could care less if I ever hear from them again.
Again, you ask what is wrong with that? Because she tells me day in and day out how awesome my life was (she couldn’t be farther from the truth) simply because I had a “mother” and a father growing up. And how horrible her life was because she chose crack, and a host of other bad choices.
I watch her emasculate her husband more and more every day, and then hear her bitch about how he always finds an excuse to be away from her on his days off. She says she doesn’t understand that. She is a miserable, self loathing bitch every single day, and she is not happy unless everybody else goes down with her. Yes, it has definitely been established that her and I cannot stand each other, except in small doses, because she makes her assumptions and then you can’t tell her differently. She makes everything about her.
For instance, I get upset because we can’t find a place to rent. She gets pissed and takes it to mean that I am ungrateful that she lets us stay here. Before I quit smoking, I would get bitchy if I didn’t have any left, so she would take it upon herself to give me a pack, and then later on she would throw it in my face that she does SOOOO much for me. Ugh, you would just have to see it to understand the frustration.
I am at a point where I don’t even tell her if I’ve talked to my dad or his family because then I have to hear again how she’s shit and they want nothing to do with her. And how she’s obligated to help me when I need it, because I am family. Guilt trips. Everybody has to feel sorry for her and if they don’t then everybody hates her. Yes, she is allowing us to stay with her. But not because she genuinely cares and wants to help. She is doing it because she feels an obligation to. And because it’s a power trip. Something else she gets to hold over my head. I expect a day in the future when her and I never speak to each other again. Sometimes I look forward to that day.
This summer has been hell for me and my family. We were jobless, and homeless, and car-less for quite awhile. But we got back on our feet, finally…Found a job, finally….Got our car back on the road, finally…..And we have a place to stay until we save the money for an apartment. I recently made the decision to quit smoking. My quit date is tomorrow. At first I’d planned cold turkey, but then decided to try patches, but the store didn’t have the ones I wanted, so I got nicotine gum. I also bought a pregnancy test on a whim. Know where this is going yet? The last time I bought a test for the hell of it, I got my daughter. Also, we recently moved to a state that helps with dental insurance. All of my teeth need to be pulled out ASAP. Before I end up in the hospital. So now, I can’t use the nicotine gum, and I have to live with the unbearable pain of my teeth indefinitely. Now, I’m not complaining. I’ve had many miscarriages and much heartache trying to have a healthy baby. I’m simply marveling over the irony that my life usually brings me. I promised myself I would quit smoking ASAP if I ever got pregnant again. The trouble is, I have lost all faith in carrying another baby to term. I’m sort of lost now.